The Emerald Girl

casual. classic. curious.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Being Mom

I always dreamed of having a family.

I did not always dream of being a mom. Not sure what the disconnect was there except that I obviously have one.

To say that being a mom is the biggest challenge of my life is an understatement. I think that all moms, the ones that dreamed of being moms and the ones that did not, would likely agree.

At points throughout the day, on those days when I find that I have been correcting and disciplining all day, I just wonder who the heck I am. I am not this person. I like to have fun, I like to dance, I like to be carefree and adventuring. Raising kids is certainly not (for the most part) all of those things. Your life really does change when you have kids. And it has to, for sure, if it didn't, you wouldn't be raising kids to be kind, hard working, respectful of others, loving, etc.

I did want to have a family. I wanted to make holidays and birthdays special, I wanted to have fun traditions, I wanted to have family photo albums, I wanted to eat dinner around the table, I wanted to have a school schedule and kids that bring home art projects, I wanted to experience the seasons of the year and of life with my family. No matter how great my childhood was, I wanted to create a life for my family filled with all of things that I thought would make a perfect life and give my kids the life I always wanted. I think all parents feel that way.

When I was pregnant with Jack, I remember telling people that he was not calling me mom, he would call me Jen. I wasn't going to be some mom. I can't help but laugh thinking about it. As introspective as I can be, I can't quite figure out the disconnect there. I still feel it. But the kids call me "momma".

Being a parent: challenging, soul shaping, rewarding. In that order.

If you're into personal growth, have kids. There will be a million opportunities to dig deep within yourself, to stretch beyond limits you knew existed, to have a life not solely focused on yourself, to learn what it is to lay down your life for another. (I'm writing this at night, at home, alone, while my husband is at work and the kids are sleeping and in another world I would have been partying it up at Capitol Hill Block Party. At least I also enjoy writing. And now I want to cry. What the heck.)

Did I mention yet that I love my kids? Or that I know I'm living my dream life? And my family photo albums sure are pretty. And that all of these hard days are necessary pieces of the puzzle.

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  1. Very proud of you baby. So glad you never called me Debbie!

  2. I remember you telling me that you wanted your baby to call you Jen! This it so well-written, I really enjoyed your honest take on motherhood! For someone who is pretty terrified of motherhood (lol), it's refreshing to hear what it's really like. I've loved watching you become such a great momma- your kids are lucky ones!

    1. Kaley you are gonna be such a great (and cute) momma! Aside from my family, you were the first person I told. Miss our fun times together at the dreaded you know where!