The Emerald Girl

casual. classic. curious.

Thursday, February 18, 2016


I thought that once you hit your thirties you were supposed to have all of this confidence in life. That your thirties were supposedly so much better than your twenties because you were more confident. I'm not feelin it. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's just this season of life that I'm in but I'm wondering when this so called confidence is going to kick in. Or maybe it's that I have had some luck in the whole confidence department and have been making bigger moves but still feel insecure in these new phases of my life.

I definitely cried today. While I am beyond blessed to have an amazing new part time job working from home, it has layered my life with unknown stress and caused me to really question myself. Finding a balance while working from home is quite the juggle. Especially only part time because I still feel compelled to respond to emails all day long and do quick little tasks all day long as well. The problem I'm encountering with doing that is that I'm never 100% home and I'm never 100% at work. Which leads me to never doing 100% quality work. This is not like me at all. I do not operate sub par in my work life. To me that is unacceptable. Working remotely has it's upsides (definite upsides that are not worth trading going back to have to work in an office) but it's a whole new ball game from my desk job downtown. I don't even know the rules and I'm trying to play this game wondering what exactly my role is. There's also the added challenge of hiring a part time nanny. I hired her for the hours I think I'll be working but sometimes those are subject to change based on the needs of my job but my nanny's hours are not so easily subjected to change because she has to schedule other part time work around this gig as well.

Today started out full of frustrations. Full of wondering why I felt like I sucked in my professional life when all I've ever known is being the best and highly sought after. I guess it was full of self pity as I wondered when I would have this confidence cup filled up. I'm still hopeful that I'll figure this thing out and it will quickly become my new normal. Better than normal.

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