The Emerald Girl

casual. classic. curious.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Photographing Spring Tulips

Photographing flowers has become one of my most favorite things. These tulips were bought at Pike Place Market on Valentine's Day weekend. A beautiful assortment of reds, pinks and white. I used my iPhone 6 to photograph all of these and have been using a combination of apps to edit. The most recent app is A Color Story, which has quickly become my go-to editing app. I find that using apps for editing gives me much more of the look I am going for with my photos then when I am using Lightroom on the computer. 




Thursday, February 18, 2016

Confidence

I thought that once you hit your thirties you were supposed to have all of this confidence in life. That your thirties were supposedly so much better than your twenties because you were more confident. I'm not feelin it. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's just this season of life that I'm in but I'm wondering when this so called confidence is going to kick in. Or maybe it's that I have had some luck in the whole confidence department and have been making bigger moves but still feel insecure in these new phases of my life.





I definitely cried today. While I am beyond blessed to have an amazing new part time job working from home, it has layered my life with unknown stress and caused me to really question myself. Finding a balance while working from home is quite the juggle. Especially only part time because I still feel compelled to respond to emails all day long and do quick little tasks all day long as well. The problem I'm encountering with doing that is that I'm never 100% home and I'm never 100% at work. Which leads me to never doing 100% quality work. This is not like me at all. I do not operate sub par in my work life. To me that is unacceptable. Working remotely has it's upsides (definite upsides that are not worth trading going back to have to work in an office) but it's a whole new ball game from my desk job downtown. I don't even know the rules and I'm trying to play this game wondering what exactly my role is. There's also the added challenge of hiring a part time nanny. I hired her for the hours I think I'll be working but sometimes those are subject to change based on the needs of my job but my nanny's hours are not so easily subjected to change because she has to schedule other part time work around this gig as well.


Today started out full of frustrations. Full of wondering why I felt like I sucked in my professional life when all I've ever known is being the best and highly sought after. I guess it was full of self pity as I wondered when I would have this confidence cup filled up. I'm still hopeful that I'll figure this thing out and it will quickly become my new normal. Better than normal.

Monday, February 1, 2016

What is a Home?

I've been thinking a lot about what "home" is. Since being forced to move this last summer, I'm apparently still very unsettled about the matter. Still hurt and shaken up. I think about what home means to me. A place of my own, security, comfort, shelter, stable. Home is known and familiar. Home is not a certain type of place. It's not a house you own, a rental, a camp, a co-op, a hotel, etc. My sister told me once that a 'home birth' is not necessarily a birth in your physical living place. It's a birth in the place where you are the most comfortable. Understanding this concept of home is coming from a place of pain and loss. It sounds so trivial to say given my life of privilege. I lost the place I thought was all of those things. I lost the place I thought was my comfort and security. The place I knew and could count on. It's a hard blow to realize I've been putting my hope for security and stability in a rental property. The thought had not occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to live there for as long as I wanted.


Anyway, I've been realized God is trying to teach me something good out of this pain. Out of this lost and unsettled feeling. This life is temporary and is fading away. My home is not here.


OK, so that's like a Christian concept that most people would wonder if I'm coocoo but even so. Life is temporary. We're not guaranteed even tomorrow. No one. So my hope and security and stability can not be based on something that is sure to pass away. I get it. Like, I understand this concept but living it out is an entirely different story. I'll get there, I'm sure. Not now. I like to mope about when I don't get what I want. I'm paying for it twice.