The Emerald Girl

casual. classic. curious.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Stuck in the Middle

I always do this. I put these unnecessary restrictions and boundaries on my blog writing. As if there were rules. As if I had some highly successful business and I had to stay on brand or whatever. I don't. I write for fun. Writing is an outlet. And it is most certainly NOT fun when I feel like I have to be a certain way.

(Besides all of that, I love my blog name. It  has taken me over a decade to land upon a name that I truly love. It's just me).

Anyhow, this blog has always been meant to act as a diary of sorts. That's my best kind of writing and I have no desire to change that. I want to document the process, assuming there are end results that actually make this a process. But then life is a process so either way it is, in fact, a process. This blog is in no way, shape or form connected to any business or hypothetical business of mine other than the fact that I am me. 

Tonight I have been struggling in the process. Chasing your dreams is not easy. Especially when you love under this clouded belief that somehow if you would've been dedicated enough to chase that dream when you were 20 you'd be so much farther ahead by now. I'm in the dip (thank you Seth Godin) of things. The hard part. 

For one thing, my photography is plateauing in my eyes. I've come such a long way from when I first started 6 years ago. (Can't even believe it's been that long). But I want to do so much more with it. I want to continue to take it to new levels. If it's not always trying to be better, then it's getting worse in the dust. I want to be a light expert. I want to shoot more editorial. I want to make my subjects feel so beautiful and at ease. I want to direct gracefully. I want my nervous energy to push me to exceed. 

Secondly, Instagram. It's been here, it's been there, it's been everywhere. It needs to have a clear point of view. Or does it. It needs to be more personal. It needs to be more me. It is, afterall, so much more than social media - the reason I'm still on it. I want it to inspire and delight. Like a Taylor Swift song. The kind of thing that makes you want to go after whatever it is you love in this world and make it happen. 

When I picture my dream life, I picture a creative career. My own career. Not someone else's. I picture being the perfect, loving mom. But I'm just not there. And it sucks. And it's hard. And upsetting.

And if I followed all the rules I'd never write a post like this because it's to negative. But that's why I can't follow the rules. I need to express this feeling of frustration. I have to get it out. And one day maybe these types of posts will help serve as a reminder to me how far I've come and maybe it'll encourage other people too. But Lord, please help me to be grateful in the midst of it all because this is still my life. Right now. Presently. And I know that I have all that I need.

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