The Emerald Girl

casual. classic. curious.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Looming Uncertainty

Gosh.

I've been on this journey to figure out what I want to do for the past 4.5 years now. Of course, really I've spent my whole life dreaming about what I wanted to do but this is more focused. And more grown up. After I graduated college and landed what I considered to be a dream job, I soon realized it was not what I thought it would be. Of course, I'm grateful for the opportunity. It's just when you feel like something is missing, it's hard to really live gratefully.

I began reading a book, The Artists Way. It pushed me. Cameron speaks of passion. I don't know about most people but I just don't feel passionate about anything. That's not to say that I never get excited about things. Business always excites me. But business as a general idea is just exactly that, general. What about it? I'm not exactly sure. Since I was a child I've held strong to the entrepreneurial spirit. It burns deep within me. But it has no focus. So it eats me alive. Four years ago, I decided to pursue just an interest. Photography. I dove into weddings. I learned as much as possible. I shot 7 weddings in my first year, which I believed to be a huge success coming from absolutely no experience whatsoever. I saw passion once. I saw it in someone else and I longed so dearly to have that. Just concentrated, confident, real passion. I was so drawn to it. I still want that. Passion can grow out of persistence. Maybe it's because the photography isn't really growing that the interest is fading. My worst fears come to life: that I am that person who quits too soon. I am that person who doesn't stick to it long enough to greatly succeed. I am a loser. I am just average. Doomed to spend the rest of my days doing ordinary things whilst I forever long for greatness.

The thing is, that I, I don't know how to be in this moment. I'm bored without direction. I'm bored without something to do or work on. At the end of the day, I want to be productive. I hate to lay round watching TV. I don't even really want to be using the computer but I thought writing was at least something. And I've always loved to write. Sometimes I think the answer will come to of the writing. After all, The Artists Way recommends "morning pages". The daily practice of writing stream of thought for 3 whole pages. My pages turned into prayers as too much introspection makes me feel more that just self-absorbed. Apparently, that's OK with me in the blogging world. :)

I want to help people. I want to make a lot of money. (Let's just be completely honest ;). I want to have the flexibility to make my own schedule. I like having a project always on my mind. Though recently, through hearing other people's own stories of recovery, I'm wondering if projects are just my way of filling the void. I don't feel OK with nothing to do. I have to fill my time, always. I believe too many lies about myself. I'm incredibly hard working and focused when I believe I'm on the right track. I'm trying to cut out the crap. No Instagram. No Pinterest. Blogs are fine. I'm waiting for God's direction but I don't feel it. I don't know which direction to go. I don't know how He will possibly make another kid happen. A bigger place to live happen. A home of our own one day happen. A dream career happen. Like, I just do not understand how that will all happen. I'm constantly conflicted as well. Should I be chasing after all that I want? Is that selfish? Is that what God wants me to do? This is the uncertainty. The uneasiness. The lies. Not from Him.

It's probably OK to chase dreams. Just make sure to listen to His voice along the way and accept what may happen and except what may not happen. Accept His plan. Seriously, OK, now I could go on and on about the back and forth of what I should do. I need an idea. I need some direction. I feel like I've just been on this constant path of trying to find it for endless years.


I'll be forever chasing the dream.

1 comment:

  1. Oh hon, I totally know how you're feeling. I've been there, and still sometimes feel a bit directionless. But turning inward has helped a lot. Self-discovery, meditation and getting in touch with my intuition. It's not selfish, because you can only help others if you help yourself first. And here's something I'm learning.. your purpose isn't what you do. I'm starting to think the purpose of life is the simple act of finding joy and bliss :)

    I think I'm going to have to read the Artist's Way - thanks for the tip!

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