The Emerald Girl

casual. classic. curious.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

God > my plans?

The truth is that I'm afraid I won't get everything that I want the way I planned it if I give it all to God. Like, I can say in my head over and over that God's plan is better and that He will provide the life that is just right for me but the rest of me just doesn't buy it. I have a lot of anxiety in my life right now. A lot if unknown and uncertainty. I really don't know how I'll ever have the picture perfect life I have in my head. It seems IMPOSSIBLE. And this is just the honest truth. So my prayer is not only that God would give me everything I want (you can laugh here) but that he would help me to let go and let God. That I would truly and deeply trust him. That I would have deep satisfaction with what I do have and with whatever he does bless my life with. I'm not kidding about my anxiety. I cannot sleep. Aside from the fact that I could be lacking in some serious vitamin supplements, my only other thought as to what it is that keeps me from getting true rest is the worry about how I will get that life that I want. How will I make enough money to have another kid?  To have a house? To put Jack and said other kid through school (private is necessary if we can't buy house in nice enough area)? To not have to work full time so that I can be there for said kids and learn to cook dinner for my family and keep the house tidy all week? I'm exhausted and I don't know where to begin. It seems impossible. Houses where I come from are freakin expensive to say the least. I wish money wasn't always the missing link. It would make it a heck of a lot more easier to not care so much about it. I wish choices were easier and I wish that God made His plan known. Some days im a lot better at being right where I am but this anxiety has been around a few weeks now. I'm tired.

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