Wednesday, September 30, 2015

When every day feels like a Saturday

I know I'm a bit of a downer lately. Apparently the unknown in my life does not bide well with me. You know when you work a full time, Monday thru Friday type job and Saturday rolls around and you just stay in your sweats all morning? You don't brush your teeth until at least noon, sometimes 3pm. Possibly you veg out in front of the computer all day long. Because, hey, you worked all week and you deserve the mental and physical break. Saturdays are a dream. You wait all week for your beloved Saturday. Well, last night I came to the realization that I'm living in a perpetual Saturday. Like, Groundhogs Day. Exactly, like Groundhogs Day. Monday will never come. I'm stuck in the same day over and over and over again.

But hope remains.

Tomorrow is my first MOPS meeting. For those that may not know, MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. But in this case preschoolers just means kids between 0-5. I'll be bright and shiny on time at 9:30am!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015


You know when you take a stress test and they ask if you've had a baby or moved or gotten a new job in the last year? I would have to raise my hand for all three. The weight of change this past quarter has been heavy. I find myself walking around my new neighborhood wondering where am I. I go home and cry. There's just no ounce of familiarity. Nada. Zilch. Where am I? Of course we are blessed to be in a really nice, safe neighborhood with tons of amenities so at least it's only emotionally hard. And that will pass. It's been passing slowly. When you're kicked out of your rental home, moving is just not that exciting. Then there's Morgan. We love her. Just a dreamboat baby who wakes up every morning wanting to talk and talk and talk. A little doll. She can stay. Lastly, my job. It was rather devastating to realize that my whole salary would go to the nanny. While I'd love to get out, be scheduled and be in the downtown area - for $0 why bother. So that sucks.

Now what?

I don't know. 

Short term goals: one lifestyle/portrait session a month leading up to one a week, get dressed before noon, walk outside everyday, yoga or at least minimal stretching in the morning, cook dinner at least twice a week, read the Bible and the other books that are stacking up, letters and numbers with Jack, continued exploration of creative entrepreneurship. 

Yep. That sounds about good. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Stuck in the Middle

I always do this. I put these unnecessary restrictions and boundaries on my blog writing. As if there were rules. As if I had some highly successful business and I had to stay on brand or whatever. I don't. I write for fun. Writing is an outlet. And it is most certainly NOT fun when I feel like I have to be a certain way. 

(Besides all of that, I love my blog name. It  has taken me over a decade to land upon a name that I truly love. It's just me).

Anyhow, this blog has always been meant to act as a diary of sorts. That's my best kind of writing and I have no desire to change that. I want to document the process, assuming there are end results that actually make this a process. But then life is a process so either way it is, in fact, a process. This blog is in no way, shape or form connected to any business or hypothetical business of mine other than the fact that I am me. 

Tonight I have been struggling in the process. Chasing your dreams is not easy. Especially when you love under this clouded belief that somehow if you would've been dedicated enough to chase that dream when you were 20 you'd be so much farther ahead by now. I'm in the dip (thank you Seth Godin) of things. The hard part. 

For one thing, my photography is plateauing in my eyes. I've come such a long way from when I first started 6 years ago. (Can't even believe it's been that long). But I want to do so much more with it. I want to continue to take it to new levels. If it's not always trying to be better, then it's getting worse in the dust. I want to be a light expert. I want to shoot more editorial. I want to make my subjects feel so beautiful and at ease. I want to direct gracefully. I want my nervous energy to push me to exceed. 

Secondly, Instagram. It's been here, it's been there, it's been everywhere. It needs to have a clear point of view. Or does it. It needs to be more personal. It needs to be more me. It is, afterall, so much more than social media - the reason I'm still on it. I want it to inspire and delight. Like a Taylor Swift song. The kind of thing that makes you want to go after whatever it is you love in this world and make it happen. 

When I picture my dream life, I picture a creative career. My own career. Not someone else's. I picture being the perfect, loving mom. But I'm just not there. And it sucks. And it's hard. And upsetting.

And if I followed all the rules I'd never write a post like this because it's to negative. But that's why I can't follow the rules. I need to express this feeling of frustration. I have to get it out. And one day maybe these types of posts will help serve as a reminder to me how far I've come and maybe it'll encourage other people too. But Lord, please help me to be grateful in the midst of it all because this is still my life. Right now. Presently. And I know that I have all that I need.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Weekend at Bumbershoot

My husbands job has landed me some pretty great experiences. Mostly music related but pretty cool events that I wouldn't have gone to in the first place. Backstage, front stage, side stage. No lines. All access. Showbiz. (Now if only I'd been able to see Taylor Swift). Anyway, it's been great but since we've had kids, I've gotten out and about a lot less.

This weekend, this Labor Day weekend, I went to Bumbershoot. I put the kids to bed and then snuck out to see a few shows. Cake, Lindsey Stirling and Ellie Goulding. 

Cake was not that exciting. Lindsey Stirling was awesome. Electric violin, dancers and cool visuals. And Ellie Goulding was cool. She played every song that everyone knows from her and a few more. It's always exciting just to be in the midst of all the bright lights and music. 

Here's a few shots from the weekend from my phone:

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Music Sunday: Lindsey Stirling

Lindsey Stirling plays the electric violin while dancing. What I love about her is that she is true to herself and that makes her so unique. It is easily said that there is literally no one like her. She combines everything she loves into her music. Peter Pan, pirates, spacey stuff. Playfully intelligent. I think she is an inspiration and an encouragement to just be you authentically and with no regrets.

Friday, September 4, 2015

30 isn't old

I turned 30 on my last birthday. This whole past year I've been lamenting over how old I am and how it's so sad that I'm not young and in my twenties anymore. Being 30 has been rather surreal. Like, am I a grown-up now?

I've come to realize that if I take on the belief that 30 is old I will be calling myself old for the rest of my life and I'm not interested in doing that thank you very much. I'm still younger than almost everyone I know. So don't dread turning 30. Be glad of your accomplishments and excited that you don't have to start calling yourself old till at least 50. 


Friday, August 28, 2015

B.P. Before Pinterest

Before Pinterest there were binders. I know I'm not alone when I say that I had a neatly organized binder with tabs for organizing all the things that inspired me. I loved this binder. It was so cherished.

I remember the first time I moved into my own apartment and hosted a party. That binder was my go to for what to do and I felt so grown-up implementing such a put together soirĂ©e. 

Since the move that binder has come out into a more attainable spot in my house. Sure some of what I liked 7 years ago has changed but a lot of it still the same. And glossy magazine page tear outs are so much better computer screens. (I'm not saying I'm going back to buying tons of magazine and using this Stone Age binder). But what I do like is the pages with dinner ideas from Real Simple and Martha Stewart Living. Food is a foreign language to me and it feels easier to learn if I can touch the page and see the picture.